How Do You Help Someone Through a Difficult Time?

I've been thinking about this recently. Unfortunately, I know a few people going through a tough time right now—very different circumstances but difficult just the same.

There's no one-size-fits-all answer because everyone and every situation is unique. But when you aren't sure what to do and words feel empty, perhaps the answer is quiet support.

Love.
Listen.
Be there.
Be patient.
Be understanding.
Pray.
Give.

How do you help someone through a difficult time?

Aside from the typo (!)... this quote is inspiring. via

When "No" Means "Not Now"

On Tuesday, I turned 28 years old.  We had dinner with Scott's family last weekend, and this coming weekend, we're going out to celebrate -- just the two of us on Friday and with a whole group of friends on Saturday.

So on the actual day, I enjoyed some relaxation time and opened gifts from my family and Scott (you can check out a few snapshots below). 

But throughout the week, I've been thinking a lot.  I've been reflecting on the past year, but mostly I've been contemplating the coming year.

Birthday roses from my in-laws

Fun polka-dot tights for the family birthday dinner

Free birthday pumpkin spice latte!

I voted!

Yummy lunch of white cheddar mac & cheese with onions, peas, and salmon

Girly birthday outfit: pink cardigan, purple pants and a bit of sparkle

Gifts from my family!

Scott's gift! Classic and beautiful.

It's probably the first time in my life when I'm unsure what the next year holds.  Yes, I quit my job last December and wasn't sure how my business would grow in 2012, but I did know I was finishing grad school and nannying for the first half of the year.  And I do know I'll continue to work hard and spend time with the people I love in the 12 months ahead, but there are more unknowns than ever before.

The good news: in the midst of the birthday celebrations and my time of reflection, I found peace.  I received a "no" this week -- one of many that I have received and one of many to come -- but this time, I didn't see it as a "no."  I realized it was simply a "not now" -- a sign that I was going to be okay, I was on the right path, and I shouldn't give up, worry, or feel discouraged.  It was a moment of complete trust that God has a plan and He is taking care of me.

And as part of "not now," I also refocused on the "now" -- today, the present time, my life as it is right now.  So much of the time, we're looking to the past or the future.  In this coming year, as a 28-year-old, I hope to savor the present and treasure this year of life, whatever it brings.

I hope to remember that "no" doesn't always mean "no, end of story."  In those quiet moments of prayer and questions and gratitude, I hope to find peace again and again... to understand that "no" often means "not now... be patient and focus on all the good in life at this very moment."

How to Cultivate Gratitude

Part of A.J. Jacob's talk during Chicago Ideas Week's "Storytellers: The Power of Perspective" panel has resonated with me over the past two weeks.  While he was doing research and writing his book, "The Year of Living Biblically," he tried to live out the idea of giving thanks at all times.

It wasn't always easy, but over time, he cultivated an attitude of gratitude.  He noticed that hundreds of things go right every day, but we usually focus on the three to four things that go wrong.

What a powerful reminder.  Too often, I take the good things for granted.  But what if we gave thanks for all those small, everyday blessings?  What if we gave thanks constantly?  It would be challenging to do all the time, but the actual act of giving thanks is quite simple. 

In the process of meditating on those words--"thank you"--throughout the day, I would not only cultivate gratitude, but I believe I'd also take on a more positive mindset.  I would look for the good and let go of the bad more easily.  I would recognize how blessed I am.

While visiting Kansas, my parents and I talked about Catholicism and our faith.  While so many of us want to "get something out of Mass," and so many of us pray for help or turn to God only in the tough times, we may gain more by simply giving thanks.

Offering gratitude to God, even when life is hard and we don't have answers and we don't understand why or how or when, brings peace and grace and a sense of trust.  The gifts and blessings we have are evidence of His love.

Especially in these weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I am making a commitment to cultivating gratitude, to recognizing all the good in life and giving thanks every day.

What are you grateful for?  How do you cultivate gratitude?

I'm thankful for the food we eat...

Restoration

I've been thinking about the idea of restoration lately.  It started a few weeks back when my yoga teacher led us through a 75-minute restorative class.  She prefaced the session by saying that a restorative class might not be what we expected... we'd be doing gentle, calming stretches rather than quicker "flow" movements.  But she reassured us that this type of practice is often just what we need... especially if we don't think we need it. 

I haven't made it to yoga class very often lately, so that day, part of me was hoping to move and sweat and build some strength, but after running around and cramming everything I could into the week, a little restoration was much needed.

The word "restore" sounds scary sometimes because the very definition requires taking a step back, returning to a previous state.  When we are hurt or broken or shaky though, we need to heal before moving forward.

These days, we all want to be productive, make use of time, get results.  But sometimes we need that down time more than anything.  We need to be still and quiet, to sleep, pray, read, think.  We need time with friends and loved ones, laughing and sharing.  There is no way to keep up the fast pace of life without time to relax and recharge.  For me, to allow my creativity to flow, I need time to think and dream and laugh... even if it is just a few moments captured here and there.

via

Last night, I stayed home while Scott went out for a couple of beers with friends.  I was fighting a cold and class was cancelled, so I curled up on the couch and watched the newest Twilight movie.  Scott had no interest in seeing it, and as silly as it seems, I needed those two hours to sit and veg out, calm my mind and escape into another world.

I realized the most important part of indulging in restorative time (it sure seems like it is an indulgence even though it's necessary!) is not feeling guilty about it.  If I think about what else I could be doing, or should be doing, the time isn't truly restorative.  I've found that I feel better about taking a time-out if I have mapped out other times to complete everything else I need to do.  I know I'll get it all done... later.

via

This Lent, rather than give something up, I've been trying to take time to pray, especially during my commute.  When I'm on the bus at 6 am, I don't want to do anything except space out, so it's the perfect time to reflect and take a moment to talk to God.  Sometimes I forget, sometimes I just run through an "Our Father" or "Hail Mary," but it's a nice reminder that He is there with me, all the time, no matter what.

Consider the hush of an empty church with wooden pews and stained glass windows, a library with stacks and shelves of books, a little patch of sand next to waves of soothing water.  It's in the quiet, restorative moments that I calm my nerves, heal my soul, let my creativity come alive... just breathe and get ready for whatever comes next.

Sharing Talents and Facing Fears

On Sunday, the Gospel gave me some encouragement.  The reading recounted the parable of the master who entrusted each of his three servants with his possessions (called "talents") before he goes on a journey. 

When he returns, the servant with five talents and the servant with two talents have each invested or traded them to double their amounts.  But the third servant buried his talent in the ground, scared to lose the one talent he had.

Jesus told his disciples this parable:
"A man going on a journey
called in his servants and entrusted his possessions to them.
To one he gave five talents; to another, two; to a third, one--
to each according to his ability.
Then he went away.
Immediately the one who received five talents went and traded with them,
and made another five.
Likewise, the one who received two made another two.
But the man who received one went off and dug a hole in the ground
and buried his master's money.

After a long time
the master of those servants came back
and settled accounts with them.
The one who had received five talents came forward
bringing the additional five.
He said, 'Master, you gave me five talents.
See, I have made five more.'
His master said to him, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.
Since you were faithful in small matters,
I will give you great responsibilities.
Come, share your master's joy.'
Then the one who had received two talents also came forward and said,
'Master, you gave me two talents.
See, I have made two more.'
His master said to him, 'Well done, my good and faithful servant.
Since you were faithful in small matters,
I will give you great responsibilities.
Come, share your master's joy.'
Then the one who had received the one talent came forward and said,
'Master, I knew you were a demanding person,
harvesting where you did not plant
and gathering where you did not scatter;
so out of fear I went off and buried your talent in the ground.
Here it is back.'
His master said to him in reply, 'You wicked, lazy servant!
So you knew that I harvest where I did not plant
and gather where I did not scatter?
Should you not then have put my money in the bank
so that I could have got it back with interest on my return?
Now then! Take the talent from him and give it to the one with ten.
For to everyone who has,
more will be given and he will grow rich;
but from the one who has not,
even what he has will be taken away.
And throw this useless servant into the darkness outside,
where there will be wailing and grinding of teeth.'"
- Matthew 25:14-30

What struck me was the use of the word "talent" to describe the treasures or special items.  Our talents are God-given abilities--ones that we can choose to hide, waste and ignore... or develop, explore, and share with others.

The other part that made me think was the ending.  The master gets so angry at the third servant, but what if he had tried to invest the talent and lost it?  Is it worse to bury it and end up with the one talent than to try to do something with it and end up with nothing?  In his homily, the priest addressed this by saying the message is not about failure; it's about fear.  It's about inaction.

I like to think that this Gospel is encouraging each of us to take chances, share our talents, and not be so afraid that we end up doing nothing at all.  He wants us to move forward, even it's one small step. 

Maybe sometimes we fail, but in doing so, we prove that we understand the value of our talents because we aren't wasting them--we aren't so fearful that we become paralyzed.  Instead, we are using the gifts we have been entrusted with, sharing them with others and perhaps inspiring others to do the same, growing the "amount" of our talents even further.

And whether we fail or succeed, it's comforting to know that we aren't alone.  One of my favorite Bible verses is Psalm 37:23-24, which I stumbled upon in high school.  Searching for the verse on Google brought up slightly different versions, so I pulled out my Bible from those days, and the ribbon bookmark marked the page with that psalm.  It reads:

Those whose steps are guided by the Lord;
whose way God approves,
May stumble, but they will never fall,
for the Lord holds their hands.
- Psalm 37:23-24

And even better, I found a prayer card wedged between a couple other pages.  It seems perfect for this point in my life.  It's funny how that happens... how you can run across just what you need to hear, right when you need to hear it.

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact
that I think that I am
following your will does not mean that
I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have this desire in all that
I am doing.
I hope that I never do anything apart
from this desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore, will I trust you always
though I may seem to be
lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for
you are ever with me,
And you will never leave
me to face my perils
alone.
- Thomas Merton

Do Not Be Afraid

This past weekend's Gospel reading touched me and has stayed with me through the week... 

After he had fed the people, Jesus made the disciples get into a boat
and precede him to the other side,
while he dismissed the crowds.
After doing so, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray.
When it was evening he was there alone.
Meanwhile the boat, already a few miles offshore,
was being tossed about by the waves, for the wind was against it.
During the fourth watch of the night,
he came toward them walking on the sea.
When the disciples saw him walking on the sea they were terrified.
“It is a ghost,” they said, and they cried out in fear.
At once Jesus spoke to them, “Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.”
Peter said to him in reply,
“Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.”
He said, “Come.”
Peter got out of the boat and began to walk on the water toward Jesus.
But when he saw how strong the wind was he became frightened;
and, beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!”
Immediately Jesus stretched out his hand and caught Peter,
and said to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?”
After they got into the boat, the wind died down.
Those who were in the boat did him homage, saying,
“Truly, you are the Son of God.”
- Matthew 14:22-33 

via googlinggod.com

I keep moving forward, but I don't know what's next.  At times, I am walking along, feeling confident, but then something unexpected happens, something I'm not sure how to handle.  And it's those times that I have to remember to trust.  "Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid." 

In yoga the past several weeks, when the instructor has asked us to set our intention for our practice, two words have been bubbling to mind... "Relax" and "Trust."  But as much as I try to do those two things in my daily life, I still find myself getting frustrated.  I get stressed.  I doubt.  "Lord, save me!"

But in those wonderful moments when I feel calm and peace come over me, those moments when I remember that it will all turn out for the best, even if I don't know how or when... those are the times that I have faith and feel secure that God has a plan.  "Truly, you are the Son of God."

For now, I have to take courage.  I have to trust.  Even if it occasionally means saying "Lord, save me!"

Setting My Intention

At the beginning of yoga class, my instructor usually guides us through a short meditation, asking us to silently set an intention for our practice.  My individual intention is my personal focus for the next hour and a half.  As an article on YogaJournal.com states, "...[one's intention] is a path or practice that is focused on how you are "being" in the present moment. Your attention is on the ever-present "now" in the constantly changing flow of life. You set your intentions based on understanding what matters most to you and make a commitment to align your worldly actions with your inner values."

In talking to my dad over Thanksgiving, he reminded me that this Sunday, today, is the beginning of Advent.  Tonight after Mass, I picked up a complimentary copy of the Little Blue Book, which includes daily reflections for each day of Advent and Christmas.  I love little tools like this book as they provide a small daily reminder of what this season is all about.  All it takes is six minutes a day to read and reflect on various readings, thoughts, and traditions.

I am already a little anxious about decorating and buying gifts and handling all the busyness of the next few weeks.  But now that Thanksgiving is over, I am setting my intention for the holiday season.  If my intention is based on what matters most and aligns my actions with my values, I want to focus on each moment - be with friends and family, celebrate my faith, enjoy the bounty of food and gifts, and all the while, remember the true meaning behind it all.  We all lament how time flies, but I hope to savor this season, full of celebrations of light, love, life.

With the help of the Little Blue Book and the devotion of six minutes a day, I plan to fulfill my intention.  I may not succeed in holding this focus each day of the season, but as in yoga, a gentle reminder can bring one's intention back to the forefront.  Perhaps the Little Blue Book can be my reminder.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you enjoy the upcoming holiday season, whatever your faith - and your intention - may be.

Delicious Ambiguity

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end.  Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.  Delicious ambiguity...
-Gilda Radner

I'm a planner.  I like to keep myself challenged.  I always ask "what's next?" and look forward to what is coming up.

The challenge then becomes truly living in the present.  Lately, I have been working to notice and appreciate the beauty around me.  I think of my five senses: What am I feeling right now?  What do I see?  What do I hear?  What do I taste?  What do I smell?

It is tough to remain present when I have deadlines, to-do lists, plans for next weekend, next month, next year.  Being present in every moment means I experience and treasure it, rather than breeze by it.  I can settle into all five senses and escape to a place of calm and contentment.  I move away from the daily stresses or long-term questions of life, simply breathing in my current experience.  I don't have to worry about what might happen in the future, don't have to look back with sadness or disappointment.  The present is the only thing in my consciousness.

Vacation day... Feel: comfy in sweats;
See: words and pictures in some of my favorite magazines;
Hear: country music playing from my laptop;
Taste: iced coffee and a donut;
Smell: nothing in particular

I think that is why I love things like yoga and massages and reading so much.  (I had a fantastic, much-needed massage last week and that one hour of relaxation felt about 2 hours too short.  My shoulders were up to my ears with stress beforehand, so I just breathed and blocked out everything else.)  I can relish the feelings of the moment and push away any stress or worry.

Sometimes I don't want to live in the present when it's crazy busy or insanely stressful.  In that case, I try to remind myself that the moment will pass, I will learn from it, and I will appreciate the calmer times more because of it.  I find something to be grateful for that day, even a small thing like the changing fall leaves or a hug from my husband.

A cozy spot to curl up with a book

There is a wonderful prayer from St. Theresa that speaks to living in the present and trusting you are where you are meant to be.  Recently, I have been repeating the first line to myself as a reminder to live this way, even when I feel my blood pressure climbing.  I would like to share it as a source of inspiration.  Remember each day is a gift.

May today there be peace within.  May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.  May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.  May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.  May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.  It is there for each and every one of us.
-St. Theresa of the Little Flower

Notre Dame Family

My mom forwarded this beautiful description of the recent Mass held at Notre Dame in remembrance of ND student Declan Sullivan.  It is a moving example of the universal celebration of the Eucharist and the strength of the Notre Dame "family."  I am blessed to be part of the Catholic faith and the Notre Dame family, two communities that intersect and extend across the globe.  My prayers are with Declan's family and friends. 

Here is the link to Amy Holsinger's blog post and the full text follows below:
http://amyunsettled.wordpress.com/2010/10/29/declan/

October 29, 2010...12:22 am

Declan.

I did not know Declan Sullivan.

On Wednesday, Declan was killed on campus in an accident involving a hydraulic lift. He was filming football practice for his job as a student manager, and high winds caused the scissor lift he was filming from to topple over.

He was 20 years old. He was a junior majoring in FTT (film, television, and theater) and marketing. He lived in Fisher Hall.

Tonight, Father John Jenkins, University President, presided over a Mass in Declan’s memory in the Basilica of the Sacred Heart.

Mass began at 10 pm. I was in a lecture and movie screening for class until 9:45 pm, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it to the Basilica in time to get a seat. I also wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go to the Mass. I didn’t know Declan, so a part of me thought, “Why should I take a seat from somebody who knew him, loved him, cared about him? Who am I to do that?” But another part of me desperately wanted to go to the Mass to show my support for Declan’s family during this horrible, difficult time. That part of me wanted to show the Sullivans that Notre Dame is a place where everybody matters, a place where the spirit of the community links everybody together. I was already running late and I knew that my baseball-cap-and-Ugg-boots attire wouldn’t fly at the Basilica, so I decided to go over to LaFortune Student Center, where I had heard there would be auxiliary seating and a live feed from the Mass.

As I walked across God Quad in the dark, I watched people walking towards the Basilica, two by two. The doors were wide open, emanating a warm golden glow. I was able to hear the prelude for Declan’s Mass all the way at the flagpole on South Quad, and the sound of the organ became clearer as I crossed through the pine trees and made my way to LaFortune.

Up the winding staircase, I burst in to LaFortune and brushed past the representatives from the Student Activities Office who tried to usher me upstairs to the ballroom. “We have some seats left up there,” a girl with a nametag whispered. By the time I heard her, I had already set down my backpack near my usual spot in the main lounge. LaFortune was different. Normally, the building serves as a study/food/coffee/socialization/meeting space, and it’s one of the busiest places on campus. But tonight, it was quiet. Dimmer, somehow.

All of the comfy armchairs were occupied, so after lingering against a wall, cornered by a trashcan, for a few minutes, I plopped down on the floor like a kindergartener. Mass was beginning. The broadcast was coming through on the two large televisions in the main lounge. (It was available online as well.) During the opening song, the SAO folks brought out a number of chairs from another room, and I snapped up a seat just as Fr. Jenkins was greeting the Sullivan family.

Then, the oddest thing began to happen. Everyone in the room began to respond to the TV, just like Mass.

Peace be with you.
“And also with you.”

I don’t know if it was reflex, a genuine desire to participate in the Mass, or some combination of both. All of a sudden, I found myself in the midst of the celebration of the Eucharist in the same room where I drink coffee, read the paper, watch ESPN, and play Sporcle.

Notre Dame is very good at a lot of things, and one of those things is church. Notre Dame knows how to put on a great Mass, and the higher-ups pulled out all the stops for Declan. The Folk Choir provided beautiful music for the service. I was particularly impressed with the selection of the readings. The first reading was Romans 8:31-39 (“If God is for us, who can be against us?”). The gospel reading was John 14:1-14 (“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”).

Father Tom Doyle, Vice President for Student Affairs, gave the homily. He spoke eloquently and simply about storytelling—about Declan’s love of telling stories through film and about the feeling that we have been “written out of the book of life” that accompanies loss and grief. Doyle said, “Most days, we live in this place that is like Eden before the fall.” Normally, bad things don’t happen here. Students joke about the “Notre Dame bubble” for a reason. When terrible things hit Notre Dame, it seems that much worse.

As I watched the Mass on TV from my chair in the LaFortune, I noticed that the camera kept panning out to the people sitting in the pews at the Basilica. The Sullivan family sat in the front row. Gwynn, Declan’s sister, wore a Notre Dame football jersey and Mac, Declan’s 15-year-old brother, wore a Notre Dame sweatshirt. Across the aisle, the men of Fisher Hall sat in the other front section, all with their trademark neon green retro sunglasses pushed back into messy brown waves and perched on blonde crewcuts. Fishermen wear these distinguishing sunglasses around campus all the time, so seemed appropriate that they wore their shades to Mass in memory of their hallmate. The Notre Dame football team sat behind the contingent from Fisher Hall.
During the Eucharistic Prayer, LaFortune was filled with the mutterings of hundreds of students.

Lift up your hearts.
“We lift them up to the Lord.”

When it came time for the Our Father, the Folk Choir sang the beautiful Notre Dame Our Father. LaFortune joined hands and joined in. Then, everyone got out of their seats for the sign of peace. Hugs and handshakes all around.

The SAO employees notified us that the Eucharist was being distributed outside the Basilica and that we could leave and come back. After a moment of hesitation, about 75% of the room stood up, grabbed coats, and quietly filed out of the room. I was near the door, so I made it out quickly. Down the stairs, across the quad, towards the music and light. There were hundreds of people already standing outside the Basilica—overflow. Outside, there were musicians performing acoustic versions of the songs playing inside. As I huddled around the front of the Basilica, I turned around. A massive block of students stretched all the way from the foot of the Basilica to the stairs of LaFortune, and people continued to stream out of the building from the ballroom on the second floor.

We stood patiently, quietly in the cold. Occasionally, a priest would emerge from the big Basilica doors. People gathered around eagerly as the priest distributed Communion. Nobody jostled, nobody complained. We just waited. Slowly, more priests came out. After I received Communion, I walked back to LaFortune. I counted six priests standing outside, each man completely surrounded by students waiting for the Eucharist.

I made it back to LaFortune just in time for the final blessing.
The Mass is ended, go in peace to love and serve the Lord.
“Thanks be to God.”

And then, as always, we sang the alma mater, arms around each other, swaying.

Notre Dame, Our Mother
Tender, strong and true
Proudly in the heavens
Gleams thy gold and blue.
Glory’s mantle cloaks thee
Golden is thy fame.
And our hearts forever
Praise thee, Notre Dame.
And our hearts forever
Love thee, Notre Dame.

The fervent prayers of the Notre Dame community are with Declan Sullivan and his family.

A night like this should never have to happen again.

What is Most Important in Life

I have had a bunch of ideas bouncing around in my head lately, things I have wanted to share on my blog.  But today, there is one thing I cannot get out off my mind.  My sister's friend who is around 20 years old was just diagnosed with leukemia.  I don't want to disclose a lot of details since it doesn't need to be a public matter, and honestly I don't know many of the details.  What I do know is that I don't always focus on what is most important in life. 

Sometimes God gives you a little surprise, good or bad, to remind you that he is there, that we need him and we need the people in our lives.  Whether I do laundry tonight or not, whether I stay late at work or not, whether I do "what I'm supposed to do" or not - it doesn't really matter.  What matters the most is the relationships we have with other people and with God.  Sometimes I find myself getting caught up in a good book or my email inbox or a TV show, and I get in bed, realizing I was next to my husband all evening but I haven't given him a real, true kiss aside from a quick hello when we got home from work (I make sure to correct that immediately!). 

Think about the best days of your life - I would guess most, if not all, of them were spent with people you love.  Today has reminded me to never take my life and the wonderful people in it for granted.  Tonight I pray for my sister's friend and all my friends and family who are there for me, support me and make life truly meaningful.